Deeply Felt: Scarier Than I Thought

i'm back + jumanji + the day mules stopped walking

Whenever I take a break from writing, as I recently did due to my other gig producing TV, it always takes me a minute to get back into the rhythm of my own words. And by a minute, I mean one week, sometimes two. Although I work in unscripted television, I’m often helping other people figure out what they want to say, or in some cases, telling them through an ear piece what I need them to say in order for a moment to make sense to the audience. My voice, quite literally, is often stuck in other people’s heads.

I love this TV job of mine, but it’s also a very scary time to make your living in this industry. There are fewer jobs, smaller budgets, and less freedom to take risks. Everyone who has a job is scared of losing it. Everyone who doesn’t have a job is scared there won’t be another one. I’ve worked as a freelance producer for most of my career, so I’m no stranger to the peaks and valleys of choosing this path.

But now, 20+ years into a career I have worked my ass off to build, I’m wondering if it’s time to pivot. It’s a deeply daunting endeavor to even think about, much less the actual doing. But it also leaves me with a somewhat childlike wonder to what the rest of my life, professionally at least, might look like. Is there a new sandbox I could play in? And does that sandbox come with benefits and a 401k?

I’m curious, have you ever made a big pivot in your career or life? Where did the road lead you?

Speaking of scary, it’s Spring Break this week and I kicked it off by taking my 9-year-old son to see the original Jumanji, which has been playing at our local Alamo Drafthouse. We love this film. We’ve watched it, and every iteration of it, several times at home. We have a Jumanji board game, and (somewhat) lovingly call the house next door to ours that has been abandoned for at least the last decade the Jumanji house. Nothing about this Robin Williams’ classic is new to us.

And yet

About 30 minutes into our viewing, tongues akin to salt licks from the popcorn and legs askew on the recliners, my little guy leaned over to me and whispered, “This is scarier than I thought it would be.” And he was right.

Even though we both knew what was coming and had experienced it before, there was something different about seeing and hearing it on the big screen. Everything was just amplified. I couldn’t help but draw a correlation to the current state of affairs in our country. We’ve seen this movie before. Hell, we even read the script to the sequel.

We knew the bats, mosquitos, lion, monkeys, monsoon, vines, spiders, stampede, etc. were coming with each roll of the dice. But this time they were all just so much BIGGER. LOUDER. IN OUR FACES. Which, of course, is the point of seeing a film on the big screen. I suppose it’s also the point of some people electing Pampers Putin to office for a second term. BIGGER. LOUDER. IN OUR FACES.

And yet

Once it was all over and I asked my kiddo what he thought the point of the movie was, he said without skipping a beat, “facing your fears.” This made my film student heart swell with pride. Jumanji isn’t a fantasy movie about a freaky board game that ended up being a figment of those kids’ imaginations. It was real. When their aunt came home, all that shit had happened. But it also ended. And it ended because they kept playing. They faced the big, bad scary stuff head on because that was the only way to make it go away.

I know we’re only two months in. There’s a long way to go and many terrible things will continue to happen; there’s no doubt about that. But I also know we’re going to win in the end. We just have to stay in the game. And WE ALL have to play.

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The subtext running through Jumanji, of course, is toxic masculinity. Williams’ character, Alan Parrish, struggles to connect with his father when he’s a young boy. His dad wants him to be tough and face his fears, which, at the time, is a group of bullies waiting to beat the shit out of him. After they do, right outside of his dad’s shoe factory, Alan is “rewarded” for taking the beating by being told he’s going to boarding school. It’s all very 1990s of itself.

Fast forward one board game and 26 years later, Alan returns from the Jumanji jungle he’s been trapped in and finds himself in a moment with a young boy, Peter Shepherd, (played by Bradley Pierce) where compassion is needed. Peter is freaking the F out. Instead, Alan acts like a jackass, just like his father did to him. Realizing his mistake, though, he immediately course corrects and says, “26 years In the deepest darkest jungle and still I became my father. I'm sorry. It's alright to be afraid."

It’s alright to be afraid, that’s true, and that’s deeply human. But Alan’s dad was right about one thing, too—sometimes we still have to face what we’re afraid of. We still have to finish the game. The important thing to remember, though, is that we don’t have to do it alone.

Before I let you go, I simply must tell you the story of the mules I recently encountered. It’s worthy of the paywall…

These are not the mules in question